I happened to be on Jake Wolf’s twitter to find a random post about some girl he wants to basically kill for no reason. Her name is Victoria “Couture” and looks like a wannabe Kiki Kannibal. I screencapped the whole fight… Here
Is he abusive? THOUGHTS? Fail Post? idgaf
Why does Jake sound like a little boy, when he sings? Then again, I’ve never actually heard him speak either, so is his voice really just that high? lmfao.
Looking at a picture of him, you would think he had a decently deep voice.
CLICK TO READ IN FULL RESOLUTION:
This horrified me! What will I do with my time now? I need you in my day to day twitter world…
Thank god ten minutes later Mr. Wolf posted this gem.
That was the worst 9 to 10 minutes of my life.
Welcome back Jack, we all missed you.
Looks like @Jakefuckingwolf is going through an “antichrist metamorphous.”
God damn it. Just shut up.
I know that some of you weirdos suffered the delusion that the creepy greaseball known as Jake Wolf was attractive. I assume this is because you have only seen 80’s porn before and don’t know what attractive men look like.
Anyway, everyone remembers the “8-inch-kiki-buster”, right? That picture taken at a very obvious angle so as to make his dick look bigger? Well, in her latest couple tweets, Kiki makes sure we all know that it was JUST an angle.
Seriously? Male enhancement pills? Erectile dysfunction? This kid is like 19. How sad!
Obviously it was bitchy of Kiki to tweet this all over the internet, but I really dislike Jake Wolf and I’m happy to see his ego being taken down a peg. He needs it.
So you’ve followed ‘How to be a SIF’ (My last post), but now you’ve realized no one cares about your lardy arse, and you’ve looked in the mirror and thrown up all over your rolls in self-disgust.
The good news is after throwing up your 7 breakfasts from this morning you’re on the right track to being a self proclaimed E-Celeb and therefore bitched about on this lovely site.
Congratulations, you’ve acquired an eating disorder, the first step towards your goal. Arm yourself with a SLR Digital Camera and a parent willing to take provocative pictures of you in your underwear and follow these steps:
There are 3 main types of E-Celeb
The Whore, The Delusional and The Bitch.
Of course E-Celebs have all 3 properties in vast quantities; however each is known for one property more than the others.
Give yourself a fucktarded name, perhaps even steal the second name of a high profile celebrity. Everyone knows you’re not going to become E-famous if you’re called ‘Kirstin Ostrenga’. But lets face it, br00t4l names like ‘Milly Massacre’ are on the way out … don’t make yourself sound too much like a try-hard knob. Remember if you do choose the name of a celebrity, e.g. ‘Hilton’, try to claim some affinity and maybe even relation to the celebrity. Because if you get well known enough, nothing says ‘I’m an E-Celeb’ like Paris Hilton laughing/being scared of you.
Lie about your age.
It keeps an air of mystery, plus it either allows you to be ‘down with the kids’ or get into clubs depending which side of 18 you are. Plus if you end up in a tight spot where your nudes are posted all over the internet it makes it easier to get them taken off if you claim to be underage.
Jeffree Star seems to think he’s fooled everyone by pretending he’s still at the young age of 23….*cough cough* yeah sure.
Claim to be orginal/own everything
As an E Celeb you can never be too delusional. Kiki got reknowned for claiming she brought back/invented Stripes even though they were seen as far back as the 80’s and featured by Trevor Sorbie a year before she even considered putting them in her hair. Audrey Kitching is proof you can get far in the internet realms by stealing other people’s produce.
Carrying on from the last point, looking like a clown or bit of road kill is essential to appearing unique and getting people to talk about you … because as I will keep repeating, it doesn’t matter that you look like a stupid mug and act like an embarrassment to the human race, owing to the fact that at least people will talk about you for it.
Dakota Rose and Amor Hilton both used to be a bit on the plump side (I’m not saying they were really fat, just bigger) and now are stick thin. All of the main E-Celebs eat around 500 calories max per day whilst posing next to images of fast food (e.g. Audrey Kitching). Remember that all fat people (people who weigh over 120 pounds) are disgusting and refuse to associate with them, and if you must be in the same vicinity as them, only stand next to them to make yourself look even thinner. Kelli From Compton has her uses.
An awful and cheaply made but expensive clothing range.
Kiki & Dakota have some crap on their website that 13 year old girls for some reason queue up to buy. Amor Hilton used to have a ‘clothing range’ (if you can remember it…I looked for the link but its gone now), and now just sells her cheese smelling underwear (outerwear to her) to fund her meth habit. You can also try craigslist prostitution for more money to fund your existence whilst also causing controversy.
‘Haters make me famous’
Be a complete cunt to people and they will hate you and therefore bitch about you. That’s the model Kiki Kannibal used, and through being an annoying whiny bitch and her intolerance of anything that wasn’t herself, including all the ‘imitators’ she became infamous as a 1st class bitch. If you don’t want to have a reputation for being a bitch do a Brandon and make a series of ‘fan’ accounts to release your inner bitchiness on any ‘haters’.
Failed attempt at a music career
Tila Tequila, Raquel Reed, Geoffrey Paris, Amor Hilton, Brandon Hilton, Jeffree Star and soon Kiki…they’ve all at least tried…and pretty much failed epically. Brandon Hilton getting the most attention for being such a douchebag and claiming to have a nonexistent duet with GaGa who has no idea who he is. This isn’t a great way to get E-fame, it will tend to just make everyone /facepalm…but maybe one of your fat friends will take pity on you and have it as their profile song for an hour or too ;].
E-dating, and general whoring about
I’ve personally lost count of the herpes infested messes that Amor has dated/given hollywood handjobs to. But we all remember which infested rapist she was made E-Famous for dating and getting knocked up by. Similarly I’d never heard of the dirty failure that is Jake Wolf until the whole Amor/Kiki thing. If you’re a SIF and still haven’t made it to the toilet to throw up, just stick to the angles and E-Dating…Kevin Kemo is desperate and available. If you’re a guy, its probably best to also check they’re awake/their ID before you get down and dirty with your scene girlfriend.
Bad Piercings / Tatts
Get some piercings and tattoos that will prevent you from having any chance of a reputable career in the future. The key is as many piercings as possible and the tackiest tattoos available. Don’t worry, no one will laugh at your misspelt chest piece, all your online 16 year old friends will totally think its cool. You can also highlight how awful your piercings are by slapping on matching clown-like makeup.
A combination of these properties should lead to you becoming a complete LOLcow, and therefore people will laugh at you, and the more people that rip the piss out of you, the more you’re talked about.
If there’s anything I’ve missed out, comment it.
(And yes, I’m trying to distract myself from doing Course Work atm.)